i wish i could tell you about my day

It’s been every day since, but today more than ever, I just wish I could talk to you.

It’s like every single thing reminded me of you, but not even in an ambiguous way. I passed the street with your name on it again on the way to my destination. It seemed like every single car on the street was your make and model, which makes my heart drop every time I see one.

I went over to my friend’s house and I swear, I looked around to see if there were prank cameras.

The Wi-Fi password was your name.

Everyone in the room made jokes about it and I had to force a strained laugh out just to keep from crying.

I still referred to you as “my girl” when I brought you up, and it stung to correct myself under my breath.

“Well… my ex.”

Later that evening, the rear tire on my bike popped four miles away from home and it just sent me over the edge because the only person I wanted to call was you. Not to fix anything at all, I just wanted to go through it with you.

But I couldn’t.

So all I could do was look at my stupid bike with my flat tire and wait to get picked up, curled up on the sidewalk crying with my face between my knees, wondering how I was stupid enough to get myself here.

I wouldn’t blame you if you chuckled at that and thought to yourself, “That’s what you get.”

When I got home, I decided to do what I do best and I just ran. Until the only pain I could feel was in my body and the only thoughts in my mind were surviving the last mile of the 13 I was trying to achieve.

It worked temporarily.

Then I was right back to thinking about how you must feel in your apartment now. And how your days must look.

I know I’m much better at distracting myself than you are, which, despite what I said to you about bravery, actually makes you the courageous one out of us two.

I pray every day that maybe I just run into you. And it pisses me off even more because there have been people halfway across the world that I didn’t wanna see for the rest of my life that I’ve randomly run into at a small town gas station in Alabama, but you’re right down the street and I feel like the chances of our paths crossing again are slim to none.

My biggest question right now is: what do I have to do to make things right?

Is it therapy?

Is it staying out of your life?

Is it a candid conversation?

But I’m also just trying really hard to convince myself that If my presence hurts you, then maybe loving you right now means tolerating my own pain and leaving you alone.

It feels unbearably hard for me to do the right thing.

I’m hoping that I just see your face on a billboard one day.

At least those would be tears of joy.