purgatory

There’s a place I call “Purgatory.” To me, it represents this emotion of being in an “in-between place.” It's a space where I’m unaware of what’s next, how to get there, or even how I ended up here. In this purgatory, I descend into the depths of despondency, feeling worthless at times, confused, anxious, and uncertain. All completely normal emotions.

In this space, I start to ask myself real questions. Some of these questions might get me Baker Acted if I say them out loud, but I believe they’re essential to this wonderful journey we’re on.

A few of the questions I ask are: “Why am I here?”, “What’s the point of all this?”, and “If it all just stopped right now, would it matter?”

The answers I receive range from: “Yes, all of this is incredibly meaningful.” to “No, it means absolutely nothing at all.” to “What does it matter anyway? Just enjoy it.”

Every time I get out of my purgatory, I feel completely fulfilled with the entire process. The questions that come with it have served as a gauge, a mirror, and a guide.

My escape from purgatory always comes through taking a real, unfiltered look at myself. I love it, and it’s necessary because I’m so good at distracting myself and finding new ways to escape the things that cause me pain or confusion. But I have no self-defense mechanisms left when the work is all done, when the music stops playing, and when there are no conversations left to be had.

I have no choice but to walk towards the truth. If I’m running in a direction and then find myself in purgatory, I know it means that I’ve strayed too far away from the path that leads toward who I truly am and that it’s time to come back home.

So far, 100% of the time, I’ve come back a better person, and I enjoy every second of it.