amor fati

My friend, Kount Angel, crossed my mind, and I hadn’t talked to him in months, so I gave him a call for a life update. 

We’ve had in-depth conversations in the past about different aspects of our lives, including our feelings about our loneliness, the ways that we’ve allowed other people and situations to make us feel unworthy of love, and the ways that sometimes it seems impossible to escape life's stresses. But by opening up about our vulnerabilities, we've been able to face every emotion head on, realize we're not alone, and then dispel every false belief by reminding each other that we’re living purposeful lives. We have a deep appreciation for the gift of life and friendship by the end of every conversation. 

Although we’re both absurdly optimistic, maintaining that attitude every single day all day can be exhausting, so being able to just say how we feel is a major release. 

When I gave Kount my life update, he listened intently and sensed in my tone that I was allowing my situation to bring my spirit down. He gave me some suggestions and asked, "What's done is done, what are you gonna do next?" And then he told me that I’m the only person who can give meaning to my stories, so I should be the one to tell them. He lifted my spirits with those words and inspired me to reconnect with my voice through writing. Since that conversation, I've found this medium to be a source of liberation and joy.

After I considered his words, he gave me a brief update on everything that had happened to him in the few months prior to our discussion. 

“Yeah man, I got into a car accident and almost died, I had to move out of my mom’s house because we got into a fight after my surgery, and now I’m just chillin.” He said casually. 

He said it so nonchalantly that it almost went over my head. I had to rewind and was like “wait bruh what? What do you mean you almost died?” 

Like it was just another day for him, he repeated it. “Yeah man, I almost died. Wrapped my car around a telephone pole and shattered my femur, my scapula and my hip.” 

Kount told the entire story from start to finish and explained how his situation kept going from bad to worse. All of a sudden, my petty first world issues seemed trivial. But what I couldn't understand was how, despite everything, he was able to laugh with me over the phone. Then what I realized is that Kount was joyful because of everything he was going through. 

Kount standing in front of the telephone poll that almost killed him.

He made the decision to let his suffering deepen his purpose and love for life because he found the meaning in each of his hardships. 

With unwavering determination, he chose to perceive his pain as fuel for his soul, using his suffering as an opportunity to refine his purpose and intensify his love for life. He realized that difficulties weren’t a punishment but a call to strength. 

He was able to see the nights he spent crying when the nurses left his room as a necessary release for all the pent up stress he'd been holding in for months, the friends and family who came to support him, and every step of his recovery made him reevaluate the belief that he was worthless, and only by coming inches away from his death was he able to come closer to finding his purpose to live. 

When I asked if I could write about him and how much he'd inspired me, he was surprised but eager to help. He said, “I never thought that I would be inspirational for anyone to do anything.” 

My first question was, “How much are you willing to share in order to help the world?” 

His response was, “Anything. Everything.”