i couldn’t come up with anything to write today
February 14, 3:28 a.m. I've been trying for hours to come up with a way to express this idea I have in a unique and impactful way, but I'm failing miserably. The original plan was to use my experience working for a moving company to illustrate a lesson that, in my opinion, should be common knowledge to most people my age: we shouldn't feel envious of people who put up false fronts to make their lives appear perfect when, in reality, they are in shambles.
I hated every draft of it because I didn't feel like it accurately reflected my current emotions or offered the reader anything of real value. At most, it might serve as a reminder. which, in my opinion, would be redundant to read.
So here’s my new idea. An attempt at a vulnerable expression of what's really going through my head right now
I have to work my shitty job at a moving company at 7am tomorrow.
I spontaneously scheduled a Valentine’s day date with an incredible person who I’ve been insanely curious about for years.
Does it actually make sense for me to go?
After taking all of those thoughts into consideration, my only reservation is that rather than giving priority to what might only have a momentary impact on my personal world, maybe it’s more important for me to stay committed to devoting myself to realizing the impact I want to have on the world around me.
During this honest reflection, I’ve realized that typically, I would frequently try to connect with people I was attracted to, whether the relationship was platonic, romantic, or sexual, with shortsighted goals and the wrong intentions that would make the answer to #3, a definite no. But I would probably go anyway because it would be romantic.
I believe the real source of this impulse comes from a part of my identity that seeks validation through experiencing “love” from others, and I've developed an almost addictive dependence on relationships to feel deserving of love as a consequence of this pattern. Although I'm trying to change it, it's a core component of who I am.
Unlike most of my unfulfilling endeavors , the moments in my life when I felt true fulfillment, rather than fleeting emotions, were when my actions were closely linked to a purpose greater than myself, and when that purpose was magnified in the company of people I cherish because I shared the type of love with them that uplifts, encourages, and inspires a deep sense of gratitude for the world we live in.
In a society that places the value on immediate gratification and brief pleasure over lasting fulfillment and meaning, it can be tempting to seek temporary solutions for our inner voids rather than the tender love and care they need. But as I continue to work on breaking through my patterns of pursuing fleeting emotions and shallow desires, I'm learning how to move more efficiently towards a purposeful existence and how to cultivate connections by focusing on a more meaningful sense of fulfillment.
So… I suppose that if a relationship founded on love and centered on mutual encouragement for each other's aspirations has the potential to make a positive impact on the world, it seems reasonable to continue pursuing it.
It looks like the date is on.
